Disappointed/betrayed!

Yesterday night was kind of a disappointed or felt being betrayed kind of feeling. That  feeling seems coming no after so many years. The first thing I know I just need to prayed rather than making assumptions and think too much about it which not helping me at all. Definitely it's all negative thoughts. It's always closest people hurt you the most when you love them endlessly and sacrifice for them all time. You hope they would appreciate at least and not behind you saying something else. That's heart broken enough when you saw it all by your own eyes. It just like a knife really stabbed right through your heart and twisted inside. Thats how I felt yesterday night.

When back home I'm thankful I have a friend who is by my side all the time even though midnight waiting for me to call and chat up everything so that I would feel better. Yesterday almost cried but I didn't allow myself. Do not want the emotions to take over me when at times expressing I would feel better but I'm strong enough for it.

I wanted to know the whole story as in I might able to spilled off everything that been bothering all the time but god haven't allow it to happen till now. My prayer has always been by god's grace and opening door we able to speaks forth the matter into heart rather tha harsh words. 

I know I need let go and forgive but it hurts still. I can't sleep well and this morning my heart still pumping so fast. It's anxiety I know. It's out of my control and knowing the reason why. Lord I really need you to calm me down and put things aside and give me the joy I wanted. I don't want to reap off as well not on things that I can't control at all. I hope I can be like before towards you lets god hope god's love is great enough to overcome me and pour in my life so I'll be able to love like I used to be. It's not only human love and god's abundant love flow through me.

Signing off! Pray for the best of the day and god's joy will be upon me!

You have make us proud!

It's been more than a year since I updated my blog but yet today decided to leave a simple message.

Watched the badminton final match on Sunday night which left some insights for me. People been talking and commenting about it.

Malaysia hero lee chong wei might not have won the gold and once again lost to his 4 yrs ago, last Olympic opponent lin dan but yet his won a lot of hearts. In every match, there will be a winning team and losing team but what counts it's the journey. It is simple saying and the player haven't proven it true. Even just getting silver, the Malaysian has stand up for him and declined his apologized because he has make them proud going all the way into final with him enduring by painkillers of his injuries as well only get to fully trained himself up within 2 weeks. His has not given on his sportsmanship. His endurance has brings courage and unity of his people just to gather and watch this match.

This I have learn as well. Whether on which side good or bad, it's ok, it's the process and journey that counts. It's your journey that wins heart when you have given yourself fully and not just the winning part. Stay focus and do your best!

today is the day....

wow !!! today is 28 JUNE 2011. this is the big day of years ago i was brought into. through my parents God send me to this world. no complains but the heart of thanksgiving. i was grateful i'm here with family and friends that love me so much. through ups and downs being there for me.

my parents unending grateful heart i need to thank them to bring me into the world. the unending love they have given me and the kind of support a parent would give to their child. without failing and without giving up on me. cheer me on until who am i today in this world.

my bro, sis and sis in law growing up together, fighting together even until together yet we are stil bro and sis without hard feeling. the memories as like child until today we can laughed about with our cousins growing up together. it's all part of our growing up and sharing our life together. we don't express it all the time but i love you all deeply.

all friends and relatives, whoever you are, you walks with me in certain season of my life be it good or bad. some we are still journeying it together. it's destined you all being a part of my life and making an impact of it. it's not easy to meet everyone around the world but the heart counts and the blessings you have spoke and done it my life.

most of all the creator of the world. without you i wouldn't be here. if you do not have the plans for me or created me i don't know where would i be today. at least we 'complaints' or 'whined' about life, but i know i'm living such a blessed life compare to alot of people out there. thank father in heaven. you through my eyes and brings me joy, everything i ever asked for, the pain i've walked through with you by side won the battle for me. you are who you are.

this is something i always hold on and it blew my mind how you recognize me even i know your existence. Jeremiah 29:11 " For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future".

lord, thank you for the future you hold for me and always giving me the hope i'm looking for. i would stand not because of your grace.

thanks to everyone been part of my life no matter which season would it be, standing by my side encouraging me, blessed me, whatever you have done i appreciated it so much to form who the JOAN TSEN today. love everyone of you heaps.

LONG LONG while...

it's been really awhile not awhile but almost 6 months/half a yr i haven't posted any post at all. it's been ups and downs especially coming back home. the real reason God allowed to stay whole 7 years in Melbourne meant a lot for me. if wouldn't for the 7 years i don't think i'm still standing today here. reminded me of israel houghton i'm still standing all because of you. a lot of challenges / differences back here i'm still trying hard to adapt and fit myself in. knowing the reason He wants me to be back here yet i'm still searching high and low and i should just be still for a moment and connect with his heart. i know but it's never easy. heart is willing but the flesh is weak though.

on the road of finding my career line and what i wanted to do most and my dream. wishing i can just succeed one day but who can reach the top without working hard and sacrificing for their dream. another step forward heading nearer to my dream.

trying to spend more time with you especially i find myself always get tired simply. health and health is on the way. good thing about being back here, i'm much more healthier in terms of my lifestyle. seldom late nights or sleeping in the dawn, food as well drinking rawfood stuff. that's something i never done before and which i would never last time. now taking all sorts of supplements to maintain good health. waking up early at 640am at times going for a walk in a hill or climbing up steps that's just weird, people who are close to me asked me am i sure what i'm doing? it's so not me at all. but yeah people do changes over time huh??? geeeezzz......i am wanted a healthier lifestyle and health. until one point everyone would be considering what they do because of some circumstances or things they found out they need to do something with it. i'm in that category too. sounds suspicious???well it's true !!!

pray that people around me having a good health and life that enjoyed rather than slaving themselves in any area.

ciao for now...

it's been awhile...

i've not noticed that my last post it's more than half year ago to be exact 8 months ago?

time passes without us knowing in a way it's been so fast. next saturday it's the day we remember of presents and gifts but as his children it's a day we remember he was born for our sake. YEAH !!! it's Christmas time. this year seems a bit quiet for me maybe i wasn't doing much or involve in ministry for the time being. back in those time, it's the most pack time and definitely rehearsing, having tones of fun. well well well, after that week another week ahead it's what????it's NEW YEAR. don't know whether should i be happy or not?i mean definitely well the new year with joy and stuff but at the same time a year older is another thing but setting goals and vision for myself. it's only 2 weeks away and i need to make myself clear of what i want and where he is directing me to.

today one of those day suddenly felt like blogging just being frustrated and angry. the funny thing is today i just took out the book named 'prison break' by mark conner. i open up the page it's about anger. fast to listen, slow to speak, slow to anger. even if you're angry don't let the anger stay before the sun goes down. angry is not wrong it's an expression of anger but how we deal with it and how we deal that eventually lead us to sin. sometimes it's because of such a small gas of anger within a person and you read news about people being killed, beat up and etc it's all started with anger. control our anger and don't let our anger control us which might allows open up door for the evil one as well hurting our love ones.

Dreams and Visions

last month i heard a sharing about dreams and visions. it was good coz it's a reminder for me. i always been reminded not to give up on my dreams and visions i had. though it might seems so far away from me yet it will be able to accomplish in times to come.

everyone of us odd to have dreams. without dream we are like dead people. if we have unclear dream then it's like storm; it's uncertain and it would be hard to succeed in life. lastly people with clear dream and vision; these people would be successful. dream give us a hope for tomorrow. how can we head towards our dreams?
i)we must have a specific goal. abraham was called when he is 75 years old. it's not about how old we are but as long we have a specific goal it will keep us going towards the goal.

ii)challenging our courage. forcemen will strive for the dreams. with a specific goal, we would not give up until our dreams are being accomplished.

iii)don't waste time, save time !! remember time is gold. we should manage our time well. time just passed without us knowing it.

i)don't give up. every successful people faces failure before. if we fails, we are nearer to our goals of success.

when you read it seems so easy but it's hard to put into action especially we are hard press on every side.

one of my favourite verse 2 Corinthians 4:8-9 "we are hard-pressed on every side, yet not crushed; we are perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed".

today is good friday, it's not just another to let it go without giving some thoughts about it. it's a day where god send his only begotten son for us. he died on the cross being cruficied brutally all for us whether we know him or not. he was blameless and without sin but chose this only way for us to have this special relationship with his father in heaven. let us just reflect on today where in this society quote easter as easter bunny, easter chocolate, easter egg losing the main focus of good friday and easter. even we know the true meaning but we got the sacrificial have done for us 2000 thousand years ago. god he reigns forever !!!! he is the great and mighty one loves us before anyone else with his unconditional love. we are looking everywhere for love yet forgotten who is the source of love. let us learn to love him more before loving people around us with the love he has pour into our life.

bored , lazy , unproductive

i gotta say right now i'm so bored and thinking what to do. right now sitting in my friend's office blogging which is so not me totally out and knowing how bored am i....wishing to head home soon but dad called me to pick up sis from work so i need to wait another half an hour i guess....totally dozing into laziness and felt tired now with the super hot weather here....

this couple of days, internet back at home really sucks and bad...i can't do much about anything basically....it cuts off every few minutes and gets you tired to go online....

i know i sort of have to get back to reality i'm back in malaysia for good. i'm missing the weather in melbourne terribly though the weather it's slightly or known as crazy coz it's under estimated most of the time. i rather to be cold rather than hot seriously....cold the most you can do is wear more clothes whereas hot you can't wear less clothes....

i guess this blog more on myself complaining here or another to say i'm learning and trying to cope up with my life back in malaysia now and trying to imagine myself living here again with the people, weather, environment and so on....

what i felt unproductive now it's like i got so much in mind but i haven't done any actions yet. i don't where to start where i know i should have done something. i can get my mind straight to think what should i do first. i wanted things to be done in a split second which wouldn't happen and i don't want it happen just like that meaning i haven't go through the journey to success. i got friends discourage or more like does not agree what i have in mind but got friends agreed and encouraged me.

yesterday i met up with a friend who told me. 'don't just listen to what people say. seriously i think your idea works and you can do it. don't think so much but write down what you have in mind now and start doing it.' it makes sense as simple as that but that's very hard as well. getting into action really hard now for me. i can said i'm totally confused as in what to do right now in this period of time. searching high and low and looking for a meaning....it's a song lyrics came to my mind....but i was searching high and low only to find where to start off and my answer. i'm wishing someone around me can guide and lead me on....

i can say that i'm excited on what i wanted to do but at the same time fear. i know fear shouldn't be in me but fight for my dreams that i have in my life. god grant me the wisdom to do it according to your will and your favor will be upon me. it is a big challenge for me and i'm stuck now. i need a clear sign and direction where to head to.

i got other stuff on hand to do yet i'm still bumping me around can't settle my mind on a thing but flying everywhere else. concentration it's so hard to focus now.

getting back on track is what i needed now. hang in there babe i know i can do it for his grace is upon me. i shouldn't be worried and rest upon him with what's lies within me.

other than that, i know god had actually given sign shouldn't give up on people he wanted me to journey with. though it does mean that person will come to him straight but just being a friend or planting a seed in that very person. i thank god for that and i had say sorry becayse i know i shouldn't have doubt on the first time. on a sunday service, i prayed god if you wanted me to reach out to this person and not because of other people or whatever, within this week, that very person will actually called me. i said that prayer because i sort of know impossible where that person never call me before but only sms before. i've make myself clear. even sms me within the week was impossible coz that very person wouldn't sms ask me how am i doing? anyway i still remember clearly, within that week on tuesday night i saw that person, wednesday i saw that person in car but never contact after that. what miracle happen in evening time, that person suddenly called and i was shocked saw the caller id. as i was in shopping mall with friends, somehow i was brought back to my prayer where i totally not conscious about it. i knew it was the holy spirit telling me like 'see this is your answer now'. i was like stunned and stoned about it. that night i prayed lord, it's a joke right just a co-incident. i will believe he will call tomorrow again. see how doubtful i am even i was being trained and tested so much. eventually somehow to my surprised in evening time the next day, that person really called and chatted awhile. i was totally restless and don't know to do. i don't know to confused myself or doubt again. i think god gave me another chance the day after again. in between afternoon another call from that person and what more that call lasted for 40 minutes. can you believe it?i was like ok god i shouldn't doubt i know i shouldn't but i did. i will accept it and be your vessel in anyway you wanted me to bring this person to. one way or another god is really testing me and bringing to the edge i got no choice but to totally believe in him. thank god for your answer.

i love you so much !!!! continue other time. time to leave now !!!